Category Archives: Salsa Advice

Everyone should try this obscure pizza combination at least once.

I love pizza.I love bacon.

The other day, a friend of mine told me to try a pizza with bacon and pineapple as toppings. The american bacon, not that canadian bullshit ham bacon. I thought he was kidding because it sounded absolutely disgusting. But he ordered one anyway and I tried a slice… My reaction was identical to this guy from the wire when he discovered something amazing  for the first time…

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An absolutely knock out combination of sweet and salty cheezy greatness. Now I’m gonna blow ya mind again. Dip that thing in ranch dressing and be like…

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Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it my friends. Papa John’s does the bacon/pineapple pizza best, and I’m saving the seasoning packets for my next steak (shout out to the commenter who suggested that lil’ gem of information)

 

My Gut reaction to “31 things every guy should own”

I’m a guy, and I’m guessing I will probably own about 22 of the 31 things every guy should own (according to esquire). I’ll be real disappointed if I’m lower than that. Lets take a look:

  1. Cast Iron Skillet- Yes
  2. Valid Passport- Yesbruce
  3. Multipurpose tool-Yes
  4. Corkscrew/ opener/knife-Yes
  5. Ax- yes
  6. WD-40- Yes
  7. Cordless Drill-Yes (mine has cord)
  8. Weekend Soulder bag- No
  9. Giant Wool Blanket never removed from car -No
  10. Chain Saw-No
  11. Work Gloves-Yes
  12. Carpenters Level-Yes
  13. Work Boots -Yes
  14. Everyday Boots-Yes
  15. Jack- Yes
  16. Claw Hammer-Yes
  17. Lantern-Yes
  18. Chef Knife-Yesmanly men book
  19. Flying Disc-Yes
  20. US Roads Atlas-No
  21. Air Pump-No
  22. Jumper Cables-Yes
  23. Charcoal Grill- No (sold it)
  24. Card Holder-Yes
  25. Pocket Knife-Yes
  26. Grease-No
  27. Lucky Charm-Yes
  28. Hidden Cash-Yes
  29. LED Flashlight-Yes
  30. Money Clip-Yes
  31. Cookbook- Yes

All and all I think I did pretty well.25 our of 31 items is much better than I anticipated. This was an average list, nothing special on here. The one take-away that I absolutely need is the wool blanket in the car. That would come in so handy for so many situations that you run into. Just last week I was crashing at a friends place who had no extra pillows or blankets  for guests. Could have really used one. I’m not sure every guy needs grease, an atlas, or a chain saw either. I’m not going to say you need an air-pump, but that could help you get out of a tough situation, so I may be on board with that. The charcoal grill is a really nice item to have, but I had to sell it because my place doesn’t allow grills anymore.

The one thing this list inspired me to get is that big blanket that never leaves the car. It’s perfect for picnics, stargazing, and dates with the ladies 😉

car blanket

 

 

Salsa PSA: Stop Snapchatting Live Concerts and Clubs

I’m officially becoming an old man.

I love Snapchat… that’s no secret. I’m not big on Periscope, but I do love me some Snapchat. I’m known to fire off way too many stupid snaps on any given weekend.

With that said, I have never in my life sent a video snap from a live show, concert, or a loud night club. Why would I?

concert snap2

The audio quality is so shitty on those snaps, that it drives me up a wall.

I used to be able to avoid those people who would constantly send snaps from live shows and night clubs, but now that Snapchat has changed the story mode to automatically cycle to the next person’s story, I get bombarded with 7-10 second bursts GHSHHSHHASHSHSHSHHSH DUMM DUMM (muffled screams) SSHHHHHHHHHH between pictures of Beautiful Italian scenery, and delicious sizzling food.

I understand that people need everyone to know that they were standing in the 3rd row at the latest Beyonce concert, but for the love of God can you please limit your snaps to pictures only? I don’t want to  have to cycle through 20 horrible sound clips of static popping while I enjoy my morning recap of my friends weekend activities.

::End rant::

#MakeSnapchatGreatAgain

eating an apple

 

 

Wedding Season is Back

Ahhh sweet summa time.

The best time of the year for weddings. If you’re in your mid to late 20’s like myself, you’ll probably have a few weddings to attend this summer. Picking and choosing which weddings to attend may be tough, but I’ve already told you about my strategy for choosing which ones to go to.

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My first wedding of the season 2 weeks ago and it was awesome. I love everything about weddings. The anticipation on the flight to the wedding. The Numerous beers/cocktails consumed in the airport. The meetup/reunion of old friends over brunch. The Wedding itself. The cocktail hour. The dinner. The reception. The After party. The Hangover. It’s all good.

The key is to pace yourself. Don’t come out of the gate too quick, or you’ll be down and out before the real party begins. Nobody wants to be that idiot who’s blackout during the wedding ceremony and passed out before/during dinner. Every wedding has that guy/girl. Don’t be like them. The key is to make it.

Now lets go have a season.

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Best Pickup Lines (Part 2)

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Once again, Reddit was asked what people’s best pickup lines were. We’ve already discussed this topic at length in this blog 6 months ago, but I thought it’d be fun to rate the lines that some of the fellow redditors came up with.

A buddy of mine is really good with women. He does this one thing on our uni campus where he’ll go up to a random girl.

Him: “hey I have a question and need a woman’s advice”

Her: “sure what’s up?”

Him: “let’s say I see a really cute girl, do I go up and talk to her or is that too direct?”

Her: 99.9999% of them say: “you should totally go talk to her.”

Him: he then introduces himself.

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Rating: 7.9/10

Analysis: Not really a line, but I can see where this would be effective. Worth a shot.

I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.

I have personally used it and succeeded.

Rating: 5.8/10

Analysis: The “I have personally used it and succeeded” line at the end is the biggest self cock-stroke of all time. This guy is a LOSER.

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“Do you have an ugly boyfriend? No? Want one?”

“No”

“Well good thing i’m here then”

Rating: 8.0/10

Analysis: I love the versatility of this line. You can go in a ton of different directions based on her response.

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I usually just start talking to a girl, then go to leave and say “let me get your number before I go”. Pretty standard, but if she were to say no, I’m leaving anyway.

Rating: 9.0/10

Analysis: This direct approach is usually very effective after you’ve had a good conversation with someone that seems cool. Always ask for the number on the way out of the bar (if you haven’t gotten it already). Just casually put your phone in their hands and use the assumptive close as you tell them something like “you can give me a fake number if you want, but I just wanted to let you know that you seem like a really cool person, and I was hoping we could meet up again sometime if you’re interested”. Don’t be a jerk, don’t be a jackass, be confident, and usually they won’t have time to create a fake number that quickly. Then you can win their heart with a good text game, but that’s another blog for another day.

Read Part 1 of My Best Pickup Lines & Advice here.

Good luck out there.

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If you think Steve Harvey Screwing up was a “PR Stunt” GTFO of my face

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We have a growing problem here on the internet streets.

Every time something genuinely awesome occurs. People immediately jump on the highest horse they can find to shout out that “this was clearly a publicity stunt” and “anyone with a brain would know that”. “It’s PR 101” they’ll say. “We wouldn’t be talking about it if this didn’t happen” they’ll say.

Can’t I just enjoy the moment without you acting like a jackass? Seriously, don’t be that guy. Those Guys need to take a long hard look at themselves in the mirror. They are the most insufferable people in the world. They sit there behind their computer screens and shun everyone sitting around enjoying a nice internet moment. Dark cloud city.

If you didn’t know by now, Steve Harvey announced the wrong winner at the Miss Universe Pageant last night and has become the subject of the latest internet ridicule. Here’s the clip

I use the internet for a bunch of different things. I deal with miserable assholes for 50+ hours a week, so when I jump online I’m usually just looking for stuff that makes me laugh. If it makes me laugh, I’m not going to apologize for liking it. I enjoy it for what it is regardless of it’s authenticity. I couldn’t give a shit if it was planned, because it was downright hilarious/sad/cringe-worthy all wrapped into one. That’s the beauty of live TV. You never know when the next viral moment may happen.

While we’re on the topic, I just want to say that I like the Jordan Face trend/thing that’s going on these days. It makes me laugh. Is it kinda stupid? Sure. That doesn’t stop me from literally laughing my ass off every time my twitter feed fills up with these photo shopped pics on the heels of a moment like this. It’s almost like a viral barometer: you ain’t viral till you’ve been ‘Jordan Faced’. I’m okay with that. Don’t fucking yell at me for liking something that’s “so played out” or “weeks old bruh”. Again, it’s funny to me and that’s all that should matter to you. Don’t sit in your ivory towers and tell me what I should like. That guy is the worst, so don’t be that guy. I wish more people could just laugh and move on instead of sitting around yelling “FAKE!”, “OLD”, “PR 101”, “I told you so”, “PUBLICITY STUNT”.

And for all you yelling that this was “STAGED” just look at this face right after the announcement. If you’ve ever had any friends in the real world,  you know that’s the face of a guy who clearly knows he fucked up.

steve face

Steve Harvey is legitimately holding back tears from his mistake. He know’s that his career is about to be flipped on his head, and he’s going to be the subject of ridicule for the rest of his life, and that this will be his lasting legacy.

I really do respect the way he handled it though. Took it like a man: he answered questions, explained what happened, and that he was sorry. I forgive him, he’s human we all mess up. His screw up just happened to be on one of the biggest stages in the world.

Constantly putting out the “I’m smarter than you vibe” will leave you destined for a sad, lonely, and pathetic, life.

Don’t be the “That was staged” guy. DBTG

Now Cue the mothafuckin Jordan faces!!

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PS- I guessed the full scene wasn’t shown on TV- Here it is. Look at how awkward this is for everyone. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stop what you’re doing and go follow DJ Khaled on snapchat

Snapchat user name: DJ Khaled

This guy is one of the most entertaining and inadvertently hilarious people on the planet right now. His stock can’t get any higher than it currently sits.

Just yesterday, he had America on pins and needles as he lost his Jetski at sea in the dark waters somewhere off the coast of Florida.

Lucky for us, DJ Khaled is never lost, because he is always on the pathway to success. The key is to make it. DJ is going through this phase where he thinks hes a motivational leader or something and he’s doing things that the common man could never dream of (much less comprehend).

Some highlights of his last two days include (but aren’t limited to):khaled sandals.jpg

  • Getting lost on his Jetski in the dark
  • Running into “another roadblock” aka the boat police, and having to be towed to shore.
  • His Sandal line is coming out and it’s hot fiya (and by hot fiya I mean they look cheaper than those disposable shower sandals you buy at the dollar store)

Not only is DJK up to no good when he’s “back at it” on his jetski, but he always takes time to drop little nuggets of wisdom all throughout all his daily routines. It’s marvelous information that is trumped only by his means of delivering the message, of which he does so, by speaking with the intensity of 1,000 suns on every snap #NoSnapsOff.

Lets peep today’s gems real quick.

  • DJ on Breakfast: “Dat Yard man food. Gluten free doe. Bless Up”
    • Back to back to back homerun catch phrases by our savior DJK right there. Bless up indeed.
  • DJ on the year 2016: #2016 #WeTheBest #ImOnOne
  • DJ on his haircut.: Major (key emoji) is always a fresh cut.
    • BTW he LOVES the key emoji- I’ve been in the emoji game for a solid 4 years and haven’t utilized the key emoji once. DJK drops a key emoji in every other snap,  maybe that’s why I’m a poor, pathetic, blogger. 
  • As DJ waters his lawn statue: Don’t ever play yourself (Don’t ever play yourself)
  • DJ on friendship: Bless up, shout out to D-Wade. (pressed up arrow in elevator)
  • DJ on the same elevator: People will try to pull you down. Don’t let em. (presses down on the elevator button). They evil.
    • Next level creativity from our boy DJ right there. They evil.
  • DJ on Breakfast: Enjoy your breakfast because they don’t want you to enjoy, they don’t want to see you enjoy, so enjoy (praying emoji hands)
    • DJ LOVES the praying emoji hands as well.
  • DJ walking in his kitchen: Walk with me on the path way of more success
  • DJ watering his plants: Some people can’t handle success I CAN, some people can’t handle winning I CAN
  • (still watering plants) When you stop making excuses and you work hard and go hard you will be very successful but when you very successful, just know you a target. PROTECT YOSELF
  • (still watering plants) When you get success you have to be very smart, and be extra focused and protect your surroundings.
  • (still watering plants) The key to success is to have a hammock. I have to get a new one because I’ve meditated so much on this one.
  • (walking to his dock) The key is never fold. Don’t fold. The key to more success is never fold.
  • (riding his jetski) “Back at it”
    • Back at it is one of the funnier things he does. It’s as if he’s grown tired of his jetski. Like, shit man, back on the grind, “back at it”, as he looks at his jetski as if he’s about to put in a hard days work at the office. “Back at it”
  • (still riding his jetski) all the great ones ride one.
  • (still on jetski) ride wit me
  • (still on jetski)ride wit me
  • (still on jetski)ride wit me through the journey of more success
  • (still on jetski) ride wit me.
  • (still on jetski) You have to find peace and love
  • (still on jetski) ride wit me
  • (still on jetski) As a police boat pulls him over: Shit jus got real (cop emoji)
    • This is 2nd time in 2 days that he’s suffered “Another roadblock” for those keeping track at home. Don’t worry tho because he will overcome it. 
  • (Finally back on land) Caught another Iguana. Dey eat all my flowers.
    • God-damn Iguanas

His life is so foreign to ours, it’s almost as if he was living on another planet. If he woke up and decided to design a shoe for the hell of it, he could have a custom one made, shipped, and on his foot within a week. This guy is crushing life and all he does is win, win, win, no matter what. What a time to be alive.

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–UPDATE–12/17

A couple days after this event, he did  this interview with Business Insider where he went into details about the jetski incident, and he also described what motivates him to inspire, and how he got into snapchat.

 

A Guide on Crushing Your Jury Duty

Your boy Salsa just went through his first Jury Duty sesh yesterday morning. I figured a bunch of you probably haven’t ever been, so I decided to do a blog on what you should expect, what to bring, and how my particular experience went down.

1st you get a letter in the mail about 1-2 weeks prior to when you’re summoned to court. I had to be at the courthouse at 8 AM in the morning. You go in, go through a metal detector, and you’re separated into 4 rooms. My room had about 100 people in it. You turn in your sheet of paper to prove you were there, and then you watch a 15 minute video about the importance of serving for our judicial system. The Room looks like this:

jury room

After the video, they give you like 15-30 minutes to buy snacks and coffee from the vending machines or this tiny little breakfast cart. After that, it’s back in your designated rooms to wait. At this point, 2 of the 4 rooms were released for the day. I was in a room that had to stay. Then after an hour of sitting they came in and took out about 50 people, and they were released. I was still stuck sitting in the room. After another 1.5 hours, the remaining people in our room (including myself) were released for the day. They explained to us that we had been selected as potential jurors, but none of our trials required a jury.

The whole thing took about 4 hours total. I actually had nothing better to do, so I was hoping that I would be selected to at least hear a case.

If you have jury duty:

  1. Bring an Ipad/tablet/something to read- Crucial necessity. The courthouse had free wi-fi, but there were a bunch of restricted websites, so I just read a book on my kindle app most of the time.
  2. Bring some change for vending machines
  3. Don’t be early. I was supposed to be there at 8:00AM, but there were literally people showing up at like 8:45 and even as late as 9:00 and they had no issue checking in. I busted my ass to wake up early, fight traffic, and show up on time. All this hassle so I would get credit, and then you have these fucking losers waltzing in an hour late with no repercussions. The jokes on me I guess. When you arrive, you fill out this little half sheet of paper and this process takes about 1-1.5 hours for everyone to complete.
  4. Another reason to show up right on time, or slightly late is because you have the ability to pick who you sit next to, which is crucial. Find a cute chick and sit by her. I was stuck by a smelly fat guy and a woman who looked like a witch because I showed up a little early, and they sat around me.
  5. They paid us $6.00 for our time, and parking was $6.00 so take that for what you will.
  6. Bring some headphones: listened to a few podcasts while I waited.
  7. Bring a backup charger for phone and iPad.

cousin vinny

There you go. You survived.

Jury duty really isn’t a big deal at all. People bitch about it just to bitch, but the reality is that it is rare to be selected for a trial lasting more than 3-5 days to reach a verdict. My advice is to just enjoy it, and laugh at all the weirdo people that are having a much worse time than you while you’re there. If nothing else, jury duty will give you a reminder how stupid and pathetic a lot of other people are in this world. Be thankful you’re not like them. This is probably the #2 on my list for greatest people watching places on the planet ( for number #1 click here).

Hope this helps, and good luck out there!

PS- Once you’ve done jury duty, you’re exempt for the next 3 years (that’s the real reason I’m publishing this blog)

 

Gift Season is here.

Well it’s officially getting to my favorite time of the year. Gift season. I don’t care what holiday you celebrate, but I guarantee you’ll find yourself shopping for gifts for someone in the next month or so. Inevitably you’ll be finding yourself wondering “what on earth should I get them”?

I grew up  in a family full of people that would never specifically ask for things. It drove me nuts because they would always say things like:

  • “Oh, I don’t want anything”
  • “Just get me whatever”
  • “I can’t think of anything I need right now”

So. Damn. Infuriating.

I’m sure that I’m not the only one who’s had this problem, so I’ve put together a list of some pretty simple gifts that are very useful. This blog is dedicated to all the people out there with those “surprise me” type gift askers in their life this holiday season.

  1. A digital meat thermometerdigital meat thermometer.jpg
  2. A Leatherman (wave or wingman). So versatile and so handy.

leatherman wave.jpg3. A good 8 inch Chef’s Knife.chef knife.jpg

4. Google Chromecast/ Apple TV/ Roku (if they don’t have one)

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5. A nice Scotch/Brandy/Whisky with Glasses and don’t sleep on those ice molds for stocking stuffers.

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6. Sports / Concert Tickets to their favorite event.

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7. A backup external hard drive. It amazes me how many people don’t have one.

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The goal is to not overthink it. My philosophy is that the best gifts are the ones that are useful, and anything that will last a long time. I got a digital food thermometer a few years back and I’ve used it 100’s of times. I didn’t ask for it and didn’t even know i needed it but that thing has been a crucial element of my Grill Game ever since. I honestly don’t know how I cooked without one for so long.

A good Chef’s knife is also a sneaky really nice thing to have.  Most of my friends have shitty ones that are dull or just generally terrible. All you really need is one good knife, and it will make cooking much easier.

The backup hard drive isn’t the sexiest gift you receive, but when the shit hits the fan with your computer you’ll be glad you have it. I’ve literally gone through 3.5 computers in the last decade, and I would have lost 1000’s of songs, movies, photos, books, and documents without one of these bad boys. Don’t wait until you get that blue screen of death, because then it will be too late.

Hope that makes those shopping jobs a little easier for ya.

Follow my twitter @SalsaStoolie

 

Are you a Halloween Person?

Some people are big time Halloween people. I’m not that guy.

It’s not that I hate Halloween, I’m just not a big fan of dressing up to go out. It’s not that fun to me, and it doesn’t add much to my experience. Call me a curmudgeon all you want, but it’s just the truth.

That said, I love when chicks dress slutty for Halloween. Love it. But I have no interest in the girl, guy, or couple who dresses up as something ‘ironic’ or trendy. It’s not funny, I don’t care, and no- I don’t need you to explain your costume to me. Get the F out of my face.

Salsa Philosophy

 

Salsa Advice: If you have to explain your costume, don’t wear it.

That could be another chapter in my “Don’t be that Guy” series. Don’t be that guy who has to explain his costume. Nobody likes that guy.

I loved going out on Halloween back in college, because those were some of the craziest nights, but now that I’m out of school, it’s just not the same. You can’t capture the college Halloween vibe in a city bar.

One of the reasons that I’ve never been a big Halloween guy is that the UGA vs UF game is always on the weekend of Halloween. As a fan of the Bulldogs, the game often fell on Halloween (as it did yesterday) and a Dawgs loss would always ruin my night. It’s hard to get hyped to go out when you suffer a season crushing loss to a rival school.

Over my long illustrious dating career, I’ve dated two chicks that were absolutely OBSESSED with Halloween. They made it like a week long event with multiple outfits which culminated into one extravagant costume on the official night. The would spend the better part of two weeks tinkering with their costumes and getting their makeup just right. My costumes were always thrown together last minute and involved little to no thought or effort and were always made up of anything I could find in the back of my closet. Come to think of it, those exes are probably a big reason I’m such a grump about this day.

Ahhh who am I kidding- Halloween is great.

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