Category Archives: Burning Questions

What are you picking as your “last meal”?

I haven’t really ever given this a lot of thought, but I feel like I need to address it. The question is:

If you were facing the electric chair tomorrow and I’m giving you one final meal of your choice, (anything in the world) what are you picking?

My answer would probably be steak and lobster, a loaded mashed potato with sides of melted butter and gravy for dipping, and garlic bread. For dessert, I’m going with warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream on top accompanied by a small side dish of mixed nuts.   But from where?

The best Lobster I’ve ever had was made by my buddy from New England on the 4th of July about 3 years back.

The best steak I’ve ever had was on a random Sunday night made by myself about 6 months ago.

The best loaded baked potato I’ve had was on vacation at some po-dunk BBQ place in south Texas a few years back.

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The best garlic bread I’ve had is from the Kroger freezer, and I had some last week.

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The best apple pie I’ve ever had was at this little soul food diner in college.

I have no clue what I’d drink as a beverage. I don’t think I’ve ever had a favorite alcoholic drink of all time (or sipped something and thought “that’s the best drink I’ve ever had”). I’d probably have a glass of water, a glass of Hi-C Fruit Punch, a can of coke, and a single bottle of Bud Light (the OG of beer). I’d also try to squeeze in a single shot of crown if they let me.

I’m basically saying that I hate my answer to this question, because I don’t really even have an answer.

apple pie.jpgThey’d ask “what do you want?”

I’d say “steak and lobster and a loaded potato with garlic bread and apple pie ala mode”

“okay, from where”

“………………” (silence)mixed nuts.jpg

So what are you picking?

Hit me up on twitter with your #LastMealChoice

TLDR:

  • NY Strip Steak
  • Lobster Tail
  • Loaded Baked Potato
  • Side of Garlic Bread
  • Apple Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream
  • Bowl of Mixed Nuts
  • Water
  • Hawaiian Punch
  • 1 Can of Coke
  • 1 Bottle of Bud Light
  • 1 Shot of Crown Royal

 

 

Are these “Gummy Cube” Energy Chewables The Next Big Thing?

Go Cube.jpg

Edible Coffee Cubes.

I love coffee. I didn’t become a coffee guy until I entered the working world after college, but that morning cup of joe is one of the best parts of my day. I’m usually a 1-2 cup a day guy.

Recently I heard about these chewable coffee cubes called “Go Cubes” that are supposed to replace drinking a cup of coffee.

I can see how everyone might not have time to make coffee, and that transporting it to and from work is a little cumbersome, but is it really that big of an inconvenience?

Early reviews are that these coffee cubes taste horrible. That’s the problem with all these “revolutionary energy source” ideas. They all taste like crap. I’m not saying coffee tastes that great, but I do like the taste (with or without extra stuff added in), and it works just fine for me. I also find it more effective than a 5 hour energy. wired waffle.jpg

I remember one time on Shark Tank, some dude pitched a caffeinated waffle in a package with the same concept. As soon as the sharks tasted it, they spit it out and all of them just hated the taste. That’s exactly how I’d imagine these gummy cubes going over with the general public. Sure it’s a decent idea, but not something people would actually consider.

Also do you remember the 5 hour Energy Hype from like 2011-2013? Those commercials used to be everywhere. 5 hour this, 5 hour that- next big thing. That was like a two year period of advertising overload which we most recently experienced with the  2015 September DraftKings ads…btw fuck DraftKings .Whatever happened to 5 hour energy?** Do people still use them? I used to drink one before I’d go out for a night on the town, but that’s about it. Other than that- I’d only grab one at a gas station if I had a lot of driving ahead of me. They’ve pretty much stopped advertising. I think it was a classic example of pricing yourself out of the market. They used to charge about $3.50 a bottle, and now they’ve slowly come down to around $2.00 a bottle, where they should’ve been all along. Hindsight is always 20/20, but they should’ve seen that coming.

Oh and the price of this chewable coffee isn’t even that great either. It works out to about $2.95 per coffee for the cubes. Sure, that’s less than a $4.00 Latte at Starbucks, but I’m rolling with a giant can of Folgers that costs about 8 bucks and lasts me 2 weeks. That’s just how I roll. Simple dude with simple tastes. Like I’ve said 1,000 times before- I’m remarkably average. It’s still on my current Twitter Bio:

twitter bio

PS- I still think Jolt Gum was a better concept than any of these alternative coffee sources. Whatever happened to this stuff?

jolt gum.png

**PPS- In case you were actually wondering what happened to 5-Hour Energy, it appears that it has been cited as a primary cause in 13 deaths a few years back, and they’ve also been involved in a prolonged 8 year legal battle involving Trademark Infringement, which they just won in Feb. 2016. (source)

Are you a Halloween Person?

Some people are big time Halloween people. I’m not that guy.

It’s not that I hate Halloween, I’m just not a big fan of dressing up to go out. It’s not that fun to me, and it doesn’t add much to my experience. Call me a curmudgeon all you want, but it’s just the truth.

That said, I love when chicks dress slutty for Halloween. Love it. But I have no interest in the girl, guy, or couple who dresses up as something ‘ironic’ or trendy. It’s not funny, I don’t care, and no- I don’t need you to explain your costume to me. Get the F out of my face.

Salsa Philosophy

 

Salsa Advice: If you have to explain your costume, don’t wear it.

That could be another chapter in my “Don’t be that Guy” series. Don’t be that guy who has to explain his costume. Nobody likes that guy.

I loved going out on Halloween back in college, because those were some of the craziest nights, but now that I’m out of school, it’s just not the same. You can’t capture the college Halloween vibe in a city bar.

One of the reasons that I’ve never been a big Halloween guy is that the UGA vs UF game is always on the weekend of Halloween. As a fan of the Bulldogs, the game often fell on Halloween (as it did yesterday) and a Dawgs loss would always ruin my night. It’s hard to get hyped to go out when you suffer a season crushing loss to a rival school.

Over my long illustrious dating career, I’ve dated two chicks that were absolutely OBSESSED with Halloween. They made it like a week long event with multiple outfits which culminated into one extravagant costume on the official night. The would spend the better part of two weeks tinkering with their costumes and getting their makeup just right. My costumes were always thrown together last minute and involved little to no thought or effort and were always made up of anything I could find in the back of my closet. Come to think of it, those exes are probably a big reason I’m such a grump about this day.

Ahhh who am I kidding- Halloween is great.

halloween1

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Have you heard of Cook Out Burgers? It’s starting to blow up in the South…

cook out2

I took a little vacation to the shores of North Carolina about 2 weeks ago. Along the way, I stopped at a little unassuming burger spot called “Cook Out”. I’d actually never heard of it before going in. It turns out that Cook Out is a little up and coming burger chain that is predominantly located in the North and South Carolina regions. It’s quickly making it’s way into Georgia and other states in the Southeastern US. Here’s a quick peek at where you can find them right now:

cook out 6

I have no doubt that this place will become the In-N-Out of the South. It was awesome. They have one of the best deals I’ve ever seen for the quality food they provide at such a cheap price. Look at this deal!
cook out 5

Unreal deal. I had a big double burger with cheese, a chicken quesadilla, a bacon wrap, and a “fancy” shake for $6.50

It was literally cheaper than McDonalds and tasted just as good as Five Guys. The burger was a little smaller, and the fries weren’t as good, but the variety of other options (hush puppies, o-rings, chili, corndogs) is far superior to anything else out there.
cook out 3

Here’s why you should check out Cook Out:

  • It crushes Whataburger (which I think is wildly overrated)
  • It is half the price of Five Guys, and doesn’t have those dumbass coke machines.
  • It has 1,000,000 more options than In-N-Out and it’s the same price.

I’m a big time burger guy. In one of my very first blogs on this site I ranked the best burgers in the US, and I think it’s time for a little update to that list. If you find yourself traveling through an area that has one of these establishments, check it out and thank me later on twitter @salsastoolie.

cook out 7

Burrito Vending Machines are a real thing?

A Burrito vending machine? Well that’s a stupid idea.

That said, it’s no secret that I love vending machines. I can’t explain it. Ever since I was a kid I’ve always liked them. Always have, always will.

It’s also no secret that I like Burritos. I still think Chipolte is overrated, but that doesn’t stop me from crushing one of their burritos once every two weeks or so.

burittobox3

When I heard of the burrito dispensing vending machine my ears perked right up. Don’t know how it works, and I really don’t care. These machines are perfect for offices, bars, gas stations, schools, and even movie theaters. A burrito for 5 dollars that tastes good?! Talk about a hole in one!Talk about a hole in one

Seriously, this is a great thing to put in little dive bars that don’t offer food, or close the kitchen at 10:00 pm. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted something to eat while waiting on an Uber to pick me up. Sure, you can tell your ride to stop at a fast food place on the way home, but that’s annoying and takes too much time. Give me a 90 second burrito, some warm chips, and guac after a few frosted pops, and I’m happier than a bird with a french fry.

burittobox1The magical burrito machine is called Burritobox and it’s been tweaked to perfection over the past few months in gas stations around the LA area. The machine looks like one of those giant redbox movie machines and can give you a hot burrito in 90 seconds. It also gives you warm chips and cool guacamole, sour cream, hot sauce and salsa. Apparently they re-stock the machines every day or two, which sounds difficult to sustain, but who am I to judge. I would never ever invest in this company, or this idea because the logistics are a nightmare when you consider everything that can and will go wrong with these machines.

At the end of the day, I love the idea. I’m an idea guy through and through, and I give them credit for actually having the balls to bring this to market. The only problem is that people  are absolutely technologically retarded and the people who eat at gas stations aren’t going to have the first clue on how to use these machines. Take, for example, my experience with those new age electronic coke machines I had just a few months back.

I’d love to try this thing out and do a food review for you, but that can’t happen because Burritobox isn’t going to tell anyone where the machines are going. Apparently they’ll be dropped in 15 cities pretty soon, but they’re not saying when or where. Get off your high horse Burritobox, y’all aren’t In-N-Out Burger, you freaking need some sort of marketing plan. You need bloggers like me to be able to find your stuff, so we can write blogs like this to promote your shit. Figure it the fuck out.Kevin Rudolf MTV's 2009 New Year's Eve Special at MTV Studios in Times Square - Arrivals New York City, USA - 31.12.08 Credit: (Mandatory): Patricia Schlein/ WENN.com

Upon further research, I’ve found out that the singer Kevin Rudolf is one of the co-founders of Burritobox, and suddenly it all makes sense. He’s not exactly the guy I want on my board of directors calling all the shots. No worries Kev, “Welcome to the World” was/is/will always be a banger tho.

Why don’t Airport Strip Clubs Exist???

Go ahead and chalk this up as another million dollar idea from the Salsa Man.

How do Airport Strip Clubs not exist?

Mark my words, if Salsa ever hits it big, I would be doing everything in my power to make this dream of mine a reality. I’d start by putting these clubs in the 4 biggest airports in the US: Chicago, Dallas, Los Angeles, and Atlanta.

This idea just seems like a no-brainer.

Most of the time, people are miserable in airports. I blogged about some reasons why last November.

Why not give these weary travelers a little place to “blow off” some steam?

Who typically does the most traveling? Business Men.

What do business men usually have? Money. (Corporate and personal funds)

Again, I feel like the idea is such a simple way to make a boatload of money while providing a great and convenient service to people all across the globe.

Steakhouse1I can see it now…

Now Open:

“The Landing Strip Steakhouse”Steakhouse2

(Did you catch the “Steakhouse” at first glance? No?? Okay good. This is just to fool your corporate payroll department when you fill out your expense reports. Don’t worry, Salsa’s got your back!)

Tagline: 3 hour layover at LAX? No worries! Just head over to concourse B and enjoy some double D’s with a glass of whisky neat…and if you’re feeling frisky just throw down some cash for a face full of dat ass!

hot chick gif3

Is Apple Kidding Me with this New Bong Emoji? (and a 1st peek at the other new stuff)

Quick confession before we start this blog: As a fully grown adult male, I’m absolutely embarrassed and ashamed by the amount of emoji’s that I use on occasion in text conversations. I won’t apologize for it though because women love them. Sometimes they make me laugh, so I’ll continue to use the emoji.

That said, the emoji landscape has been pretty trite since they’ve been out. With the new iPhone update, we’ll be getting a steaming helping of brand new emoji’s to fuck around with.

Here’s a quick glance at the new stuff.

new emoji

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Salsa’s Preseason New Emoji Power Rankings:

1. The “Middle Finger” emoji- This will be a twitter superstar. Sluts and Instagram hoes will be tossing these out like beads at Mardi Gras.
middle finger emoji 2. The “Hot Dog” emoji- People everywhere will probably use this interchangeably with the “eggplant” emoji to show off their comedic versatility.

3. The “Basic Burrito” emoji- Basic bitches everywhere throw thier hands up. “Oh my GAWD I LOVE CHIPOTLE!!! (Burito emoji x8)” Don’t even get me started on Chipolte, you already know my stance on the place. I still think the burrito emoji is (fire emoji) tho.
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4. The “Poppin Champagne” emoji. You’re boy Salsa could have really used this emoji back when he Celebrated his 500th Twitter follow way back when.

5. The “I’m in love with a strippa” emoji- I chuckled when I saw the double money sign eyes, coupled with the green money sign and tounge sticking out. This emoji reeks of that desperate single dude who’s sitting front row center of the stage at his local strip club at 3:00 p.m. in the afternoon on 1/2 price buffet Tuesdays.

<—- 6.The “Walter White Starter Kit” emoji. walter emoji

7. The “Bong” emoji- This is an absolutely hilarious addition to the emoji scene, and proof that the people designing these things are either huge pot heads. or they were just trying to pull a fast one on the approval people. This stoner combo of a bong and couch ain’t fooling anyone Apple (even if you put it next to the microscope).

stoner emoji