Category Archives: Burning Questions

What are you picking as your “last meal”?

I haven’t really ever given this a lot of thought, but I feel like I need to address it. The question is:

If you were facing the electric chair tomorrow and I’m giving you one final meal of your choice, (anything in the world) what are you picking?

My answer would probably be steak and lobster, a loaded mashed potato with sides of melted butter and gravy for dipping, and garlic bread. For dessert, I’m going with warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream on top accompanied by a small side dish of mixed nuts.   But from where?

The best Lobster I’ve ever had was made by my buddy from New England on the 4th of July about 3 years back.

The best steak I’ve ever had was on a random Sunday night made by myself about 6 months ago.

The best loaded baked potato I’ve had was on vacation at some po-dunk BBQ place in south Texas a few years back.

steak lobster.jpg

The best garlic bread I’ve had is from the Kroger freezer, and I had some last week.

garlic bread.jpg

The best apple pie I’ve ever had was at this little soul food diner in college.

I have no clue what I’d drink as a beverage. I don’t think I’ve ever had a favorite alcoholic drink of all time (or sipped something and thought “that’s the best drink I’ve ever had”). I’d probably have a glass of water, a glass of Hi-C Fruit Punch, a can of coke, and a single bottle of Bud Light (the OG of beer). I’d also try to squeeze in a single shot of crown if they let me.

I’m basically saying that I hate my answer to this question, because I don’t really even have an answer.

apple pie.jpgThey’d ask “what do you want?”

I’d say “steak and lobster and a loaded potato with garlic bread and apple pie ala mode”

“okay, from where”

“………………” (silence)mixed nuts.jpg

So what are you picking?

Hit me up on twitter with your #LastMealChoice

TLDR:

  • NY Strip Steak
  • Lobster Tail
  • Loaded Baked Potato
  • Side of Garlic Bread
  • Apple Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream
  • Bowl of Mixed Nuts
  • Water
  • Hawaiian Punch
  • 1 Can of Coke
  • 1 Bottle of Bud Light
  • 1 Shot of Crown Royal

 

 

Are these “Gummy Cube” Energy Chewables The Next Big Thing?

Go Cube.jpg

Edible Coffee Cubes.

I love coffee. I didn’t become a coffee guy until I entered the working world after college, but that morning cup of joe is one of the best parts of my day. I’m usually a 1-2 cup a day guy.

Recently I heard about these chewable coffee cubes called “Go Cubes” that are supposed to replace drinking a cup of coffee.

I can see how everyone might not have time to make coffee, and that transporting it to and from work is a little cumbersome, but is it really that big of an inconvenience?

Early reviews are that these coffee cubes taste horrible. That’s the problem with all these “revolutionary energy source” ideas. They all taste like crap. I’m not saying coffee tastes that great, but I do like the taste (with or without extra stuff added in), and it works just fine for me. I also find it more effective than a 5 hour energy. wired waffle.jpg

I remember one time on Shark Tank, some dude pitched a caffeinated waffle in a package with the same concept. As soon as the sharks tasted it, they spit it out and all of them just hated the taste. That’s exactly how I’d imagine these gummy cubes going over with the general public. Sure it’s a decent idea, but not something people would actually consider.

Also do you remember the 5 hour Energy Hype from like 2011-2013? Those commercials used to be everywhere. 5 hour this, 5 hour that- next big thing. That was like a two year period of advertising overload which we most recently experienced with the  2015 September DraftKings ads…btw fuck DraftKings .Whatever happened to 5 hour energy?** Do people still use them? I used to drink one before I’d go out for a night on the town, but that’s about it. Other than that- I’d only grab one at a gas station if I had a lot of driving ahead of me. They’ve pretty much stopped advertising. I think it was a classic example of pricing yourself out of the market. They used to charge about $3.50 a bottle, and now they’ve slowly come down to around $2.00 a bottle, where they should’ve been all along. Hindsight is always 20/20, but they should’ve seen that coming.

Oh and the price of this chewable coffee isn’t even that great either. It works out to about $2.95 per coffee for the cubes. Sure, that’s less than a $4.00 Latte at Starbucks, but I’m rolling with a giant can of Folgers that costs about 8 bucks and lasts me 2 weeks. That’s just how I roll. Simple dude with simple tastes. Like I’ve said 1,000 times before- I’m remarkably average. It’s still on my current Twitter Bio:

twitter bio

PS- I still think Jolt Gum was a better concept than any of these alternative coffee sources. Whatever happened to this stuff?

jolt gum.png

**PPS- In case you were actually wondering what happened to 5-Hour Energy, it appears that it has been cited as a primary cause in 13 deaths a few years back, and they’ve also been involved in a prolonged 8 year legal battle involving Trademark Infringement, which they just won in Feb. 2016. (source)

Are you a Halloween Person?

Some people are big time Halloween people. I’m not that guy.

It’s not that I hate Halloween, I’m just not a big fan of dressing up to go out. It’s not that fun to me, and it doesn’t add much to my experience. Call me a curmudgeon all you want, but it’s just the truth.

That said, I love when chicks dress slutty for Halloween. Love it. But I have no interest in the girl, guy, or couple who dresses up as something ‘ironic’ or trendy. It’s not funny, I don’t care, and no- I don’t need you to explain your costume to me. Get the F out of my face.

Salsa Philosophy

 

Salsa Advice: If you have to explain your costume, don’t wear it.

That could be another chapter in my “Don’t be that Guy” series. Don’t be that guy who has to explain his costume. Nobody likes that guy.

I loved going out on Halloween back in college, because those were some of the craziest nights, but now that I’m out of school, it’s just not the same. You can’t capture the college Halloween vibe in a city bar.

One of the reasons that I’ve never been a big Halloween guy is that the UGA vs UF game is always on the weekend of Halloween. As a fan of the Bulldogs, the game often fell on Halloween (as it did yesterday) and a Dawgs loss would always ruin my night. It’s hard to get hyped to go out when you suffer a season crushing loss to a rival school.

Over my long illustrious dating career, I’ve dated two chicks that were absolutely OBSESSED with Halloween. They made it like a week long event with multiple outfits which culminated into one extravagant costume on the official night. The would spend the better part of two weeks tinkering with their costumes and getting their makeup just right. My costumes were always thrown together last minute and involved little to no thought or effort and were always made up of anything I could find in the back of my closet. Come to think of it, those exes are probably a big reason I’m such a grump about this day.

Ahhh who am I kidding- Halloween is great.

halloween1

2015-11-01 11.17.25

2015-11-01 11.13.38

2015-11-01 11.16.04

Have you heard of Cook Out Burgers? It’s starting to blow up in the South…

cook out2

I took a little vacation to the shores of North Carolina about 2 weeks ago. Along the way, I stopped at a little unassuming burger spot called “Cook Out”. I’d actually never heard of it before going in. It turns out that Cook Out is a little up and coming burger chain that is predominantly located in the North and South Carolina regions. It’s quickly making it’s way into Georgia and other states in the Southeastern US. Here’s a quick peek at where you can find them right now:

cook out 6

I have no doubt that this place will become the In-N-Out of the South. It was awesome. They have one of the best deals I’ve ever seen for the quality food they provide at such a cheap price. Look at this deal!
cook out 5

Unreal deal. I had a big double burger with cheese, a chicken quesadilla, a bacon wrap, and a “fancy” shake for $6.50

It was literally cheaper than McDonalds and tasted just as good as Five Guys. The burger was a little smaller, and the fries weren’t as good, but the variety of other options (hush puppies, o-rings, chili, corndogs) is far superior to anything else out there.
cook out 3

Here’s why you should check out Cook Out:

  • It crushes Whataburger (which I think is wildly overrated)
  • It is half the price of Five Guys, and doesn’t have those dumbass coke machines.
  • It has 1,000,000 more options than In-N-Out and it’s the same price.

I’m a big time burger guy. In one of my very first blogs on this site I ranked the best burgers in the US, and I think it’s time for a little update to that list. If you find yourself traveling through an area that has one of these establishments, check it out and thank me later on twitter @salsastoolie.

cook out 7

Burrito Vending Machines are a real thing?

A Burrito vending machine? Well that’s a stupid idea.

That said, it’s no secret that I love vending machines. I can’t explain it. Ever since I was a kid I’ve always liked them. Always have, always will.

It’s also no secret that I like Burritos. I still think Chipolte is overrated, but that doesn’t stop me from crushing one of their burritos once every two weeks or so.

burittobox3

When I heard of the burrito dispensing vending machine my ears perked right up. Don’t know how it works, and I really don’t care. These machines are perfect for offices, bars, gas stations, schools, and even movie theaters. A burrito for 5 dollars that tastes good?! Talk about a hole in one!Talk about a hole in one

Seriously, this is a great thing to put in little dive bars that don’t offer food, or close the kitchen at 10:00 pm. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted something to eat while waiting on an Uber to pick me up. Sure, you can tell your ride to stop at a fast food place on the way home, but that’s annoying and takes too much time. Give me a 90 second burrito, some warm chips, and guac after a few frosted pops, and I’m happier than a bird with a french fry.

burittobox1The magical burrito machine is called Burritobox and it’s been tweaked to perfection over the past few months in gas stations around the LA area. The machine looks like one of those giant redbox movie machines and can give you a hot burrito in 90 seconds. It also gives you warm chips and cool guacamole, sour cream, hot sauce and salsa. Apparently they re-stock the machines every day or two, which sounds difficult to sustain, but who am I to judge. I would never ever invest in this company, or this idea because the logistics are a nightmare when you consider everything that can and will go wrong with these machines.

At the end of the day, I love the idea. I’m an idea guy through and through, and I give them credit for actually having the balls to bring this to market. The only problem is that people  are absolutely technologically retarded and the people who eat at gas stations aren’t going to have the first clue on how to use these machines. Take, for example, my experience with those new age electronic coke machines I had just a few months back.

I’d love to try this thing out and do a food review for you, but that can’t happen because Burritobox isn’t going to tell anyone where the machines are going. Apparently they’ll be dropped in 15 cities pretty soon, but they’re not saying when or where. Get off your high horse Burritobox, y’all aren’t In-N-Out Burger, you freaking need some sort of marketing plan. You need bloggers like me to be able to find your stuff, so we can write blogs like this to promote your shit. Figure it the fuck out.Kevin Rudolf MTV's 2009 New Year's Eve Special at MTV Studios in Times Square - Arrivals New York City, USA - 31.12.08 Credit: (Mandatory): Patricia Schlein/ WENN.com

Upon further research, I’ve found out that the singer Kevin Rudolf is one of the co-founders of Burritobox, and suddenly it all makes sense. He’s not exactly the guy I want on my board of directors calling all the shots. No worries Kev, “Welcome to the World” was/is/will always be a banger tho.

Why don’t Airport Strip Clubs Exist???

Go ahead and chalk this up as another million dollar idea from the Salsa Man.

How do Airport Strip Clubs not exist?

Mark my words, if Salsa ever hits it big, I would be doing everything in my power to make this dream of mine a reality. I’d start by putting these clubs in the 4 biggest airports in the US: Chicago, Dallas, Los Angeles, and Atlanta.

This idea just seems like a no-brainer.

Most of the time, people are miserable in airports. I blogged about some reasons why last November.

Why not give these weary travelers a little place to “blow off” some steam?

Who typically does the most traveling? Business Men.

What do business men usually have? Money. (Corporate and personal funds)

Again, I feel like the idea is such a simple way to make a boatload of money while providing a great and convenient service to people all across the globe.

Steakhouse1I can see it now…

Now Open:

“The Landing Strip Steakhouse”Steakhouse2

(Did you catch the “Steakhouse” at first glance? No?? Okay good. This is just to fool your corporate payroll department when you fill out your expense reports. Don’t worry, Salsa’s got your back!)

Tagline: 3 hour layover at LAX? No worries! Just head over to concourse B and enjoy some double D’s with a glass of whisky neat…and if you’re feeling frisky just throw down some cash for a face full of dat ass!

hot chick gif3

Is Apple Kidding Me with this New Bong Emoji? (and a 1st peek at the other new stuff)

Quick confession before we start this blog: As a fully grown adult male, I’m absolutely embarrassed and ashamed by the amount of emoji’s that I use on occasion in text conversations. I won’t apologize for it though because women love them. Sometimes they make me laugh, so I’ll continue to use the emoji.

That said, the emoji landscape has been pretty trite since they’ve been out. With the new iPhone update, we’ll be getting a steaming helping of brand new emoji’s to fuck around with.

Here’s a quick glance at the new stuff.

new emoji

new emoji2

Salsa’s Preseason New Emoji Power Rankings:

1. The “Middle Finger” emoji- This will be a twitter superstar. Sluts and Instagram hoes will be tossing these out like beads at Mardi Gras.
middle finger emoji 2. The “Hot Dog” emoji- People everywhere will probably use this interchangeably with the “eggplant” emoji to show off their comedic versatility.

3. The “Basic Burrito” emoji- Basic bitches everywhere throw thier hands up. “Oh my GAWD I LOVE CHIPOTLE!!! (Burito emoji x8)” Don’t even get me started on Chipolte, you already know my stance on the place. I still think the burrito emoji is (fire emoji) tho.
new emoji3
4. The “Poppin Champagne” emoji. You’re boy Salsa could have really used this emoji back when he Celebrated his 500th Twitter follow way back when.

5. The “I’m in love with a strippa” emoji- I chuckled when I saw the double money sign eyes, coupled with the green money sign and tounge sticking out. This emoji reeks of that desperate single dude who’s sitting front row center of the stage at his local strip club at 3:00 p.m. in the afternoon on 1/2 price buffet Tuesdays.

<—- 6.The “Walter White Starter Kit” emoji. walter emoji

7. The “Bong” emoji- This is an absolutely hilarious addition to the emoji scene, and proof that the people designing these things are either huge pot heads. or they were just trying to pull a fast one on the approval people. This stoner combo of a bong and couch ain’t fooling anyone Apple (even if you put it next to the microscope).

stoner emoji

How do shitty movies get the Green Light?

So this question has been bothering me for a while now- How the fuck do absolutely dog shit movies get the Green Light in Hollywood??

I’m referring to the piece of shit movie that is “American Ultra”. I wanted to vomit when I saw the preview for it a few months back. This was a 100% guaranteed failure from the jump.

Here’s why:
This stupid fucking guy is not a star.
facebook guy
He’ll always be the nerd from the Facebook movie who played Mark Z. That’s the only type of role this weirdo should ever play.

This bitch is also not a star.
twilight girl
Smile for me one time ya grump. Absolutely can’t stand this no-talent broad, whose only famous for her twilight movies.

Having those two idiots play leading roles is a fucking abomination of the worst kind. I really want to know who makes those final decisions. Is it the director? the writer? I don’t know, but whoever decided to cast these two bozos for leading roles should be blackballed from Hollywood.

“Yo you seen dat new Jesse Eisenberg movie? shit was DOPE”
–No one

Anyone with two eyes and two ears knew that this movie would be an absolute flop from the get go, yet Hollywood still put it out there. Why do they do this to us? Do they think we’re this dumb? Do they believe that stoners will just pay for any piece of shit they throw out there? Apparently they do, because they spent about $12 million to make this flick. Let that sink in for a second. Hollywood gave a $12 million dollar budget to a script written by guy who’s Twitter timeline looks like he just took 3 too many hits of acid.

And guess what happened? IT BOMBED. It made a pitiful $5.4 mill on it’s opening weekend.
Shocker, I know.
Even the movie’s writer was surprised:

What a joke. What world is this guy living in?

I will say this though- Even though the guy seems like absolute loser-who tweets things like:

I have to give him credit for making a big stink on twitter after the movie absolutely bombed on it’s debut weekend. What he did, is called “changing the narrative”, which he accomplished by asking the question: Is originality in Hollywood motion pictures dead?

So instead of headlines on the internet just reading: “American Ultra” Flops

…They now read: “American Ultra’s” writer goes on twitter rant about originality the movie industry.

Savvy savvy move by Max here, and I can’t hate on that one bit. Great PR, great marketing and A+ job by him. His name is out there, and they’re attacking him instead of his shitty movie. No publicity is bad publicity so props to you on that one Max.

The bottom line is that you had shitty actors, a shitty trailer, shitty marketing, and a pretty shitty overall concept, so you reap what you sow. Garbage in garbage out bro.

Who’s in the right here?

So I have a local hot dog guy who I hit up about once ever week or so. He’s a cool dude- has a little stand on the street, and his dogs are fantastic. I always get the same thing.

1 foot-long dog with mustard and chopped onions.

Hotdog correct

Simple as pie. I’m in, out, and on my way in less than 3 minutes.

The one issue I have with him, is that he squirts the mustard like Tommy Pickles shoots milk from his bottle at the end of the Rug-Rats intro. Every. Single. Time.

tommyp2 It’s supposed to go on the dog between the buns, and this careless mother fucker just zig-zags the whole bun (and some of the pavement). He holds the dog at about a 45 degree aHotdog wrongngle and shoots mustard at it like he’s using a garden hose to water an 10×10 foot garden from one spot. It’s the sloppiest thing ever.

I called him out the other day, and he says I’m the only person that’s ever mentioned it in the last 5 years. Am I on an island here? I wouldn’t dream of having mustard go on the outside part of the bun if I was making this dog for guests at my house. I need my dog neat and clean. I’m not using the bread as a boat for the mustard, it’s sole purpose to protect your hands from condiment overflow!

The bottom line is that it’s always stained shirt waiting to happen. More importantly, this sloppy mustard dog requires extra napkins and increases the chances of you getting mustard on your face.

If you’ve ever been working with someone who has a stained shirt or food on their face, you know why this is such a big deal.

Tell me what you think on twitter @salsastoolie

“The Cologne Blog”: Which New Cologne Should I Get?

Today we’ll examine 2 major points:

1. Are you a cologne guy?

2. If yes, what brand?

I’m a cologne guy. I like smelling good, and I’d consider myself to be a decently smelling man in general. The problem is, is that I often can’t decide which smell to go with. Right now I have about 4 different colones in my rotation, and I’m looking to add a 5th. For the record, I’ll usually wear cologne about 2-3 days a week (usually on dates & weekends).

Here are the colognes currently in my bathroom:

Curve (regular)- This was the stuff I used way back in my college days, and I seldom use it anymore. I feel like it gets a bad rap, but I always seem to get comments whenever I do put some on.

Burberry Brit- This stuff is real good. It’s a little pricey, but the smell lasts well into the evening. I wear this a bunch when going out to the bars. People seemed to like it for the most part. I like that it’s more of a subtle smell, and not overpowering.

Polo Red- This is my new go-to everyday wear. I really like this stuff. It’s pretty new to the market, and I wasn’t a big fan of polo blue or green. I’ve never tried polo black (heard good things), but the red is the jam. One thing that you should know about Polo cologne, is that anything labeled “polo sport” should not be worn. That stuff sucks. My grandma gave me a bottle of blue polo sport about 10 years ago, I used it once and never again.

Outlaw- This was a really random cologne that I sampled on vacation last summer. I bought it at a western boot outlet store, and I really like the stuff. It lasts for a long time, and it smells better as the day goes on. It’s a little strong when you first put it on, but I really like it as a change of pace smell.I’ll mix this in once in a while like curve, otherwise I’m using the Polo red or the Burberry Brit.

I’m now in need of a new smell because I’ve gotten tired of my rotation. I’m looking for something basic that will appeal to the masses. I’m not that picky when it comes to smell, so I’m going to do some research and see what I can dig up. I’ll probably go with whatever gets the most mentions across a few different sites.

Here are some suggestions i found:

Brobible: Creed Green Irish Tweed, Tom Ford Noir, Fierce Abercrombie and Fitch, Creed Aventus, Dior Homme Intense,Tom Ford Tuscan Leather

Barstool- I guess only “squids” wear cologne (Tom Ford, Tommy Bahamma, Drakkar Noir suggested)

Reddit- Open Question : What cologne turns you on? Aqua di gio, Lacoste essential, Kenneth Cole Black, Polo Black, Calvin Klein, burberry touch, versace blue jeans, armani code, Calvin Klein Obsession, Euphoria Men by Calvin Klein, Tommy by Hilfiger, Dolce and Gabanna Original Blue, Aqua di gio, polo double black, Givency play, Halson z-14, curve, Wood by Dsquared, Chanel Allure Homme Edition Blanche, YSL pour homme, Mount Blanc Legend, Lacoste essential, Versace eros, Armani Code, Kenneth Cole Reaction, Allure homme sport

top Google Article ranked- Aqua di gio, Polo Blue, Elizabeth Taylor Passion, Azzaro Chrome, Calvin Klein Eternity, Lucky number 6, Calvin Klein Obsession, Curve, Illicit, Angel Men, Polo Red, Dolce & Gabanna The One Sport, Abercrombie Fierce, Hugo Boss No. 6, Lacoste L!ve, Michale Kors for men, Invictus,  Burberry Brit, Varvatos Artisan, Guess Homme Blue, Ralph Lauren, Gucci Guilty, D&G Por Homme, spicebomb

Amazon best sellers- Guess Seductive, Aqua di gio, 212, Curve, Aspen by Coty, Inis the energy, Tommy, Happy by Clinique, Lucky you, Mambo, Bora Bora, Halston 1-12,

Cologne Buys- (for compliments) Creed Green Irish Tweed, Yves Saint Laurent La Nuit De L’homme, Creed Aventus, One Million Paco Rabanne, Dior Homme Intense, Le Male Jean Paul, A&F Fierce (for Best selling) Nautica Voyage, Acqua di gio, cool water, Guess seductive, Nautica Blue, Mount Blanc Legend, Paco Rabine 1 million,

…and holy shit i just listed a ton of different colognes.

I decided to head over to the mall to test a bunch out and see first hand which ones I like the best.  Here were the Top 5 that I tested:

1. YSL intense- this stuff was expensive and smelled awesome. Used some and it lasted forever.
ysl intense

2. Versace Eros- I really liked this stuff. Smelled better as the day went on
versace

3. Mont Blanc Legend- this stuff really surprised me. Very smooth.
mont blanc

4. Paco Rabanne 1 million- I really liked this, but only sprayed it on paper- not myself.
paco rabanne

5. Dior (something)- this was nice- the woman showing me said it was her favorite and a top seller.
dior

After doing all this research, I’ve concluded that the most popular cologne for men is Aqua Di Gio by Armani. I wasn’t the biggest fan, but many people do love it. Keep in mind that cologne is all about her, so make sure to get something that she’ll like. A good bottle will last you a long time, and less is more when wearing cologne. You have to be real careful not to wear too much.

pig pen

I dated a chick once who didn’t like cologne at all, so I never wore it when I was with her. I didn’t miss it, because I didn’t really need it. As a single dude in the city, it’s nice to have girls compliment you or ask what type of cologne your’re wearing. I think a majority of girls appreciate a good smelling dude as long as he doesn’t overdo it. I know some guys (and girls) that use way to much, and it’s never good.  They’ll dowse themselves and their hair in so much perfume/cologne that they’ll be walking in a cloud of smells looking like pig-pen from the Charlie Brown comics. No bueno.

As I’ve been reading up on popular colognes and talking to friends, I’m realizing that some people are really against wearing cologne.They’ll say it makes you a douchebag, it’s childish, it’s feminine, it’s immature, etc. I don’t get all that hate. If you don’t like it, don’t wear it- simple as that. I’m all for smelling like a man, and natural scent is the best scent, but you show me someone who doesn’t like to be complimented for smelling good and I’ll show you a liar.