These “New Age” Coke Machines can kick rocks.

I’m sure you’ve seen these by now.


I was in a Five Guys the other day and they had 3 of these dumbass machines, and 2 of them were broken.

I can’t stand these things. First of all, they take people way to long to figure out how to use. Second you have to press like 3 buttons on the screen and then press a physical button for the drink to actually start pouring. Third, nobody can ever figure out how to fill up their cup with ice, mainly because you have to push back on the lever that’s hard to see if you’re tall. Fourth, the actual buttons you press are slow to respond, so you mash it like 3 times, and end up selecting a flavor you don’t want. If you actually select a wrong flavor, a back button isn’t always there, so you have to wait like 4 seconds for the machine to revert to the home screen. Fifth, when you’re actually filling your drink, there’s fizz and you have to wait a few seconds for the fizz to die off to top off the drink, but with this machine, it will automatically go back to the home screen after pressing the button, which makes you have to re-do the whole selection process. It’s just nightmare after nightmare with this “futuristic” piece of crap. “But Salsa, those new coke machines can make 100+ FlAvOrS”- If you’re a teeny boppin’, red bull chuggin, furry boot wearing, type person- this may be important to you. For the rest of you who have hopefully graduated high school by now, it’s about time to abandon your watermelon orange fanta root beer concoctions and grow up.

I stood in line at one of these machines when I picked up a burger to-go yesterday, and it took longer to get my drink than it did for them to cook my entire burger. I don’t care how busy it was, because waiting over 5 minutes for a beverage is outrageous. I felt like I was watching something on a sketch comedy show, where people were just pushing and pressing things with no clue what they were doing. I wasn’t the only person getting mad either. They had a line out the door, and people were visibly frustrated. On a typical fountain, you walk up, fill up, and your gone. Two people can do this at once on the same machine, and it takes maybe 30 seconds tops. Placing a digital screen with buttons and flavors to select from is absolutely infuriating. Nobody knows how to work it. It sucks. As a rule of thumb, If you need a 4-Step sign to walk people through filling up a cup, it’s not going to work out. I’m not kidding, these machines actually have signs.

I haven’t even gotten to the worst part of this whole coke machine “freestyle” fiasco. My biggest issue stems from the fact that with these machines, the drinks always taste off. They are way over carbonated, and often have the residue of some strange flavor that the person before you has used. A foul tasting beverage is what truly makes the drink experience awful. I can live with coca-cola fucking up the process to get to my beverage, but the moment they fucked with the taste of my beverage- that’s where I draw the line.imout

So I have a message for all you freestyle coke machine wielding businesses out there… Like a fat kid in dodge ball, I’M OUT! Deuces! NEVER AGAIN! CYA SUCKA!

Let this be a warning to you: If you have one of these machines at your restaurant, I will not deal with it. I’m DONE with it. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. Your loss.

My life’s all about being effectively efficient and you done messed that up. You gotta stand for something in this world, and it may as well be against an electronic drink dispenser.



3 thoughts on “These “New Age” Coke Machines can kick rocks.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s