The 2015 Braves are a bunch of Tools.

The Braves this year are a bunch of Tools.

If you are a fan of the Bravos, please brace yourself for a brutal season, because the front office has made it abundantly clear that they are building for the summer of 2017 in the new stadium.

I’ve been holding off on this post for a while because the roster has been changing almost every single day of this off-season. There are a ton of new faces on the roster, so here’s a spot by spot break down of all the (non-pitcher) positions.

1st base- Freddie Freeman- Nails.

freddie freeman

The Face of the Franchise. The guy is nails. Hot wife? check. Big stick? Check plus. My man Freddie Free is a G. He’s the air apparent to Chipper Jones and will be the face of the franchise for the next 15 years. He will likely be the only ATL All-Star this July, and he’s the ONLY guy on the team who’s Jersey I’d even consider buying right now.

2nd base- Alberto Jose Callaspo- Wallpaper

callaspo

I’m gonna call this guy by his initials AJC. He’s an unknown journeyman and on his 3rd team in 3 years. He had one of his worst years statistically last year, which makes him a perfect pick up for the braves. The other two guys gunning for this spot have less than 200 total MLB at-bats between the both of them, so Callaspo will be our guy come opening day. I fully expect this guy to be as exciting as watching wallpaper this season.

3rd base- Chris Johnson – Scissors

chris johnson

Is there a more common American name than Chris Johnson? John Smith? I think I remember another Brave 3rd baseman with the initials C.J. but I can’t quite seem to think of it. I’m sure it’ll come to me. This bum is coming off a real pedestrian season where he played 153 games, hit .263 and had just 10HRs. Puke city. I’d be lying if I wasn’t rooting for a resurgence of the great Kelly Johnson, who came up with the Baby braves back in 2005, but he currently sits 4th on the depth chart for this spot. Chris Johnson is represented as a pair of scissors, because there’s always a pair in every toolbox, but it’s usually forgotten, and never used.

Shortstop- Andrelton Simmons- Rubber cement

simmons

I have a confession, I really liked watching Simmons play last year. This guy is an absolute beast in the field defensively, winning 2 straight gold gloves and MLB.com’s Defensive player of the year last season. That said, he battled through a myriad of injuries last year and his offensive performance suffered. Unfortunately, he’s just another sub .250 hitter in the braves abysmal offensive attack. The guy reminds me of a jar of rubber cement. It stinks like shit at first, but does wonders for sticking things together the same way that Simmons stinks like shit at the plate, but doesn’t miss a thing in the field.

Catcher- Christian Bethancourt- A level

Bethancourt

I was actually pumped when I saw the Braves acquire A.J. Pierzynski, but then I looked at his stats from the past couple years (which sucked). In my mind, Pierzynski was the stud catcher on the White Sox from that world series team 10 years ago, but in reality, he’s an average catcher who’s currently sitting at number 2 on the depth chart. Pierzynski finds himself in a battle with some guy named Christian Bethancourt who’s finally getting a shot in the bigs after spending the last 7 years in the braves farm system. Bethancourt is just another Brave with a weird name who’ll probably be just good enough to stay on the roster, but only because we have nobody else at catcher right now. Bethancourt is a level because he’s just about as steady as they come- 1 job, no frills, gets it done.

Right Field- Nick Markakis – Zippo Lighter

markakis

Signing Markakis was the big “blockbuster” move of the off season for the Braves. 4 years and $44 million is way too much for a bum with a bulging disk, but the braves were desperate for anything that resembled offense after losing Jason Heyward to St. Louis. Markakis comes from Baltimore where he had spent his whole MLB Career, but many Braves fans don’t know that he is a Georgia Boy who played his High School Ball in Metro Atlanta. It’ll be interesting to see how this move plays out. I expect him to have a good year next season, but lets see if he can stay healthy. Markakis is a zippo lighter, because he seems like he has a short fuse (blasting the O’s on his way out) and can provide an offensive spark at times. I would say he was a bic lighter, but those are cheap and he wasn’t.

Center Field- “Melvin” Upton Jr. – Socket Wrench

melvin

Melvin, Melvin, Melvin. Who doesn’t like a good B.J.??! Apparently “Melvin” doesn’t, because the former BJ Upton has officially changed his name to Melvin, in a desperate attempt to reinvigorate his once promising MLB career. The bottom line is that Melvin has been hot garbage since joining the braves 2 years ago, hitting for averages .194 and .208 in 2013 and 2014 respectively-gross. Melvin is the perfect socket wrench one minute it’s lefty-loosey as BJ Upton, the next minute he’s done a 180 and it’s righty tighty with Melvin.

Left Field- Eric Young Jr./ Johny Gomes – Tightrope

gomes young jr

We have a battle on our hands for this spot. Both players are on the back half of their declining careers. Eric and Johnny both put up very similar numbers offensively last year, neither of which were very impressive in the grand scheme of things. Ultimately, I think Young will win the battle and be our starter opening day. Since neither player has earned the spot yet, they’re both on a tightrope walk to see who can stay on the longest, the winner will get the starting nod.

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