Charlotte McKinney is Going to Dance for America. Nice.

Charlotte McKinney is hotter than a crackheads crack pipe right now. She is the new blonde bombshell that’s taken America by storm. I see her as a mix of Pam Anderson and Kate Upton when they were both in their prime.

Earlier this week, it came out that Charlotte McKinney is going to be on this seasons ‘Dancing with the Stars’. I’ve never seen an episode of the show, but you better believe I’ll be glued to the TV when it’s Charlotte’s turn to cut some rug. She is the definition of appointment TV.

Excited to be a part of #DancingwiththeStars with my amazing partner @keo_motsepe

A post shared by charlottemckinney (@charlottemckinney) on

Watching her strut that ass on stage is going to be the highlight of my miserable week. I cannot wait to see her awkwardly moving about shaking in some skimpy sparkling dress that barely covers her tits and ass. There’s no way she can possibly dance right? We already know she has a world class ability to stand still, pout, and not speak.

It begs the question though: Would Charlotte McKinney being a great dancer be the biggest upset of all time? I say yes. When you look like she does, you don’t need to be good at anything- you have the world handed to you on a silver platter. 0% chance she is remotely good at dancing.

Another question: How lucky is her dance partner for getting to spend alone time with Charlotte and “teach her the moves”? Nothing makes girls wetter than a dude who can groove, and that’s a fact. I can only imagine winning the lottery would feel better than being the guy selected to dance with Charlotte.

She did an “Ask Me Anything” about a month ago on Reddit, and here are the highlights.

Facts you need to know if you meet Charlotte McKinney

-Her Celebrity crush: Paul Rudd
-She like Dave Chapelle.
-She wishes she was better in the kitchen.
-Her drink of choice is Tito’s Vodka and Water.
-Favorite yoga position: Camel. (that’s a position?)
-Her best subject in school: P.E. (A+ answer)
-Favorite place on Earth: The Bahamas
-She’d be open to posing Nude (with the right photographer of course)
-She’s going to be in Joe Dirt 2.
-Favorite type of dog? Papillons.
-Favorite picture ever is her profile pic on instagram.
-She’s heard of Barstoolsports.com and says its a cool site.
-She just gets beans at Chipotle
-She only eats organic foods.
-Her ideal date is dinner and drinks.
-She HATES mayonnaise.
-She dated a surfer for 3 years. (most interesting thing she’s said yet)
-Shes most ticklish under her armpits.

My thoughts.
sleeping emoji
What a fucking snooze fest. I’m not sure I’m happy that I read this entire ‘Ask me Anything’ with Charlotte. Previously, I had her on a pedestal, and now I’ve come to the rationalization that her life kinda sucks. She’s OUTRAGEOUSLY attractive, but shes so damn boring. The poor girl hasn’t really experienced how awesome & shitty the real world can be. She has literally 0 personality, and it became abundantly clear in that post. She also doesn’t come across as very intelligent, as her responses were pretty pathetic and never longer than one line, but no surprises there. Sadly, it seems like she’s just been a puppet her whole life with people telling her where to go, what to wear, and what to do. But I guess that’s the life of a model. You can argue that people asked her terrible questions (which is true), but if you look back, you’ll notice that a majority of the questions she chose to answer only involved food or a way to work in a Carl’s Jr. plug. I’m not even trying to throw shade here. I love you Charlotte, but outside of your looks, you just don’t have much going for you. It doesn’t matter though, because you are a filthy rich celebrity and I am a dirt poor blogger. As crazy as it sounds though, I don’t think I would trade lives with you. How nuts is that?

“Enough of your soapbox Salsa give me dem titties!” Here you go my friend:

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PS- One time someone told me I looked like Paul Rudd. Just saying…

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