I’ll skip most of the introduction since Salsa took care of that for me last week, but there is one thing you need to know about Griz. I’m a huge Ohio State fan. Always have been, always will be. I believe that last-second pass interference call during the 2002 National Championship against Miami was the right call and I hate the entire state of Michigan and all the janitors and waiters it churns out each year. So I’ll be around writing about OSU football and maybe some other stuff.
This has been a total roller coaster year for OSU. From losing Braxton Miller one god damn week before the season to dropping the second game of the year to an unbelievably shitty Virginia Tech team, I admit I didn’t think there was a shot in hell we’d be in a position to get into the inaugural CFB Playoffs, let alone play in the National Championship. The last few weeks especially have been the most fun I’ve ever had as a Buckeyes fan.
Honestly, my only regret about this season is not joining forces with Salsa Speaks soon enough to give the masses the uncensored and completely unbiased Buckeye coverage they crave. But I’m not here to do a full season recap, I’m here to explain to Rachel in great detail why her Oregon blog sucked and was inaccurate. So, without further delay, here are the top 5 reasons Ohio State is going to bend Oregon over tomorrow night:
If you’ve watched any Ohio State football at all this year, you’ve no doubt witnessed at least one run by Ezekiel Elliot that left the stadium exposed to flood damage from the sheer amount of female orgasms it caused. Lets watch together as here we see him placing Nick Saban’s nuts up on the dresser, and banging them shits with a metal spiked bat:
What the fuck is Elliot’s secret? As it turns out, the dude is shredded enough to pull off the 1980s throwback jersey-roll:
Now ask yourself this question: how many of Oregon’s players rock the shit out of the midriff look? None. Is there a single Oregon Duck with any core strength at all? Not fucking likely.
PREDICTION: Ezekiel Elliot rushes for 200+ yards and plays that washboard of his like he’s in a god damn bluegrass band on the podium.
4. The state of Oregon
I can already hear our loyal commenters shitting all over The Great State of Ohio in response to this one. “But Griz, what does Ohio have over Oregon? Ever heard of Cleveland?” FUCK YOU. Name one thing more bad ass then being able to light your river on fire at will and I’ll concede. But you can’t.
Oregon, on the other hand, is a barren shitscape of hippies and tree huggers that’s completely uninhabitable for a normal human being. Having never set foot in the state, I feel uniquely qualified to tell you that the entire thing is basically San Francisco, but without the money and with way more citizens living out of their ’79 VW Vanagons. Seriously, name one thing Oregon is known for besides Nike’s headquarters being located there for some unknown reason. “Uh… Portland?” Good answer, shortstack. Fuck Oregon.
So I roll with a pretty sweet twitter crew, A.K.A. the #thread. Actually, that’s a complete lie. It’s not that sweet. I fucking hate most of them. But this week, one specific member of the #thread, Classic Drebos, has drawn my ire. Let me tell you a little about him. His favorite activity is telling the rest of us how he’s going to drink bleach every single night. Every one of his twelve cars is rusting on his front lawn. He has a bowl cut. He’s never had a woman who didn’t cuckold him in his own bed. His pancakes turn out like absolute dog shit. I’ve never met anyone who genuinely hates his life more than Drebos. Literally his only redeeming quality is access to cheap Mexican Oakley knockoffs. Oh, and the asshole is an Oregon fan. Shocking.
The way this guy’s life has gone up to this point, there isn’t a doubt in my mind his favorite football team is going to get slaughtered tomorrow night. Can’t wait to see him live tweet jumping off his roof.
2. Urban Fucking Meyer
Full disclaimer, I hated this man with the fire of a thousand suns while he was at Florida. I didn’t think I would ever forgive him for unleashing Tim Tebow on the public, and especially not for singing Tebow’s praises EVERY. FUCKING. CHANCE. he had. Then, all of a sudden, he had a heart attack and Ohio State started cutting him checks him to win games at a breakneck pace and all was forgiven.
In all seriousness though, what this man has done with the amount of young, unpolished talent we have this year is absurd. Most football fans can’t name their teams’ backup QBs. Meanwhile, Urban is rolling with what would have been 3 potential Heisman candidates if Cardale Jones would’ve seen the field before the Michigan game.
Aside from recruiting and player development, Meyer is the ultimate motivator and stands at 5-0 at Ohio State when the Bucks are Vegas underdogs, including the 59-0 buttfucking the underdog Buckeyes handed Wisconsin at the B1G Championship Game. Say what you want about Meyer, but even his haters have to admit he can motivate the shit out of his teams. There is nobody I’d rather have on our sidelines.
1. 12 Gauge
Let me know when Marcus Mariota develops the kind of killer instinct that drives you to crush pediatric cancer patients in NCAA ’14.