Four Most F’d Up Christmas Songs

As it is the holiday season, I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of Christmas music everywhere. Now as an alum of a Catholic University, I love Christmas. However, I have some issues with a few songs that get radio/Pandora/xm play. Below is my list and reasoning of the Four Most Fucked Up Christmas Songs+1 bonus song.

Sidenote: While trying to find all of the videos for this blog I saw a whole lot of Alvin and the Chipmunks and Michael Bublé singing these songs. What a niche market to appeal to Michael. You aren’t a cartoon chipmunk homie, expand your market you crazy Canadian bastard.

  1. “All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth”

“Gee if I could only have my two front teeth, then I could wish you Merry Christmas. It seems so long since I could say Sister Susie sitting on a thistle.”

Now this song isn’t particularly fucked up like the rest of the songs are but at the same time can’t we get this kid a little bit of dental help? While it can be assumed that he lost his teeth due to the natural order of things, the circle of life and all that, the singer does say he doesn’t know who to blame for him not having his TWO front teeth. Losing one at a time would make more sense in this case, unless our singer is playing hockey. This song leaves a lot of room for questions to be asked. Get Sarah Koenig on the case stat!

  1. “Santa Claus Got Stuck in my Chimney” -Ella Fitzgerald

“There he was in the middle of the chimney, roly-poly, fat and round. There he was in the middle of the chimney, not quite up and not quite down.”

Sexual innuendo can wait. This minx Ella Fitzgerald is saying that Santa Claus got stuck in her chimney and then begs him to come back to her chimney. First of all, check the structural integrity of your chimney Ella, if a fictional being (spoiler alert) can get stuck in your brick and mortar, chances are it’s way too narrow and a probable fire hazard. Second of all, if Santa Claus is “stuck in your chimney” wouldn’t that be something you should consult a doctor for? I’m not a medical professional but narrow birthing canals can present issues in pregnancy.

I’ll let you figure out the innuendo here, if you can’t then thats on you.

 

  1. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

“I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night, she didn’t see me down the stairs to have a peek, she thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.”

The simple fact of infidelity in this song is not enough to make it number 2 on the list. The fact that this kid is singing a song about his voyeuristic tendencies and that he thought it would be funny if his dad saw mommy kissing Ol’ Saint Nick. Let me tell you kid, if Daddy found out Mommy was one of Santa’s Ho, Ho, Hoes then you’d be having two Christmases. So by all means, go on and tell him that your mother gets her rocks off on fat old men with white beards and red suits, guarantee that he wins the custody battle when those facts are brought to light.

Also, why the fuck is she tickling someone underneath their beard? That’s psychotic behavior if I ever seen it. I have a beard occasionally and if someone tried to TICKLE me under it, I think I would have no other recourse but to punch them in the neck. And why does everyone make a big deal about mistletoe during Christmas season? No other holiday gets a plant that makes unwanted sexual advances in the name of holiday spirit okay.

 

  1. “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

Just listen to the song, I can’t pick just one.

Before I go into why this song gains #1 honors on the list, I just have to say that I thought Idina Menzel was black before seeing this video. I also thought that Adele was too; maybe it’s the way they sing, maybe it’s me.

Most everyone knows this song, Dean Martin & Doris Day originally sang it. There is a not-so-thinly veiled line that good ole Deany gave her more to drink to prevent her from leaving in the inclement weather. There is also a line where she is more concerned with the opinions of the neighbors than the weather. If she was a trooper she would just stay over and brave her walk of shame the next day like every other sorority girl in the country in a Northeastern winter. While I’m pretty sure that the song ends open ended, it can be assumed she stays over. Cranking up the charm Martin tells her, “think of my life long sorrow if you caught pneumonia and died.” Thanks, death by pneumonia really gets me into the Christmas spirit.

This song not only skirts the line of possible unwanted advances because of bad weather but the music video is one of the creepiest things I’ve seen in a while. The voice dubbing, the all kid run hotel, everything about it just doesn’t sit well with me. Idina is a smoke though, so that’s always a good thing.

BONUS SONG

This is by far my favorite Christmas song bar none simply because it reaffirms the fact that DMX has zero separation from his stage presence and real life.

Merry Christmas everyone. Happy Hanukkah too if you’re into that.

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